3ala Wahda We Nos  stars Sama El Masry, a belly dancer who is apparently quite famous, at least according to this reviewer’s usher at the cinema. The jury’s out on the extent of her dancing skills mainly because the film is shot so atrociously and focuses more on her boobs and bum than on her dance moves. But this reviewer can conclusively say that she’s an atrocious actress; a trait that’s made even worse by her uncanny resemblance to the fantastically talented Idina Menzel.

She plays Horreya, a woman who becomes a belly dancer when she finds herself thrown out onto the streets, betrayed by everybody in her life. At this point, a film about a belly dancer who actually likes her job or who chose this line of work without being coerced or abused would be revolutionary. Anyway, back to Horreya. An orphan raised by her aunt, she leaves her house when her aunt’s husband starts to get frisky with her. She ends up at a women’s boarding house that is full druggies, prostitutes and, inexplicably, a TV presenter about to travel to Cannes to cover the film festival. This presenter introduces her to a bunch of guys who do that creepy eye-rape thing when they see her - actually, every single guy in the movie, except for one, has his rape face on the entire time. One of these guys hires her - on the strength of her copious cleavage - to work as a reporter for his newspaper. As you might imagine, he turns out to be a complete arse, tricks her into signing a marriage contract and gets her kicked out of the boarding house - in a scene in which she bites another woman’s bum no less (cat fight!). Naturally, She subsequently becomes a belly dancer at a cabaret whose owner turns out to be a smuggler and in cahoots with no less than her old boss/husband. She tips the police off to their latest transaction, they’re carted off to prison and she wins at life.

This is more of a farce than an actual film so it makes sense to share some of the more unintentionally hilarious aspects. Every single time the setting changes, whether it be to the boarding house, cabaret or police station, a sign indicating the place’s name in the same exact font is stuck next to the door every time. Because it of course takes a rocket scientist to figure out that a guy wearing a police uniform and sitting at a desk is probably at the police station and that a belly dancer doing her thing while backed by a full band is definitely in a cabaret.

Moving on, the many shots of Horreya sleeping in her various satin nighties with her bum stuck out couldn’t have been more posed nor the laughable attempts to pass off her constant hair-flicking as natural. And just so you know, Horreya isn’t a dancer she’s an artiste. She’s multitalented; she also sings and could totally have been a model if she wanted to. As a result we’re treated to a bunch of musical numbers in which she lip-synchs, dances and pouts like there’s no tomorrow.