We’re assuming you’ve already seen the trailer for the film in which Helal dons a Spongebob costume and sings some asinine song with lyrics along the lines of ‘I’m Spongebob, cumin yellow’. Yeah, well we’re here to tell you that that isn’t even the worst part of the film.

The film’s story - if it can even be called that - revolves around a Tamer Hosny-esque popstar named Weeso (Helal), who while looking for a wife from his Upper Egyptian village to bully and do double-duty as a domestic slave, marries a meek-looking woman named Heshmat (Boshra) who, unknown to the entire village and her new husband, doubles as masked menace/crusader El Khott. Not particularly amusing shenanigans ensue as Weeso finds himself terrorised in his own home and forced to live with a woman who only responds to masculine pronouns.

Let’s start with the title. Why choose a title that evokes comparisons to the largely successful and popular Mr & Mrs Smith? Because that production was a lot of things that this one only wishes it were. Pitt and Jolie had chemistry for one; they’re both great actors and their film made sense. None of that is applicable where Mr & Mrs Eweis or its leads are concerned.

Moving on, the story is illogical at best and the film takes the tack of covering up the absurdity with periodical songs, none of which are very good. The film tries to tackle a bunch of different issues such as corrupt police, thugs, selling out, revenge, misogyny, etc and does none of them well. It skips between topics in hope that something will eventually stick. For example, one subplot revolves around El Khott’s attempt to avenge the Palestinians and incorporates a kidnapped Israeli official, State Security and the FBI. The story goes nowhere fast until it’s simply abandoned in favour of transitioning onto the next of its many ridiculous phases – this time involving a tacked on, highly unconvincing romance between the titular leads who go from mutual loathing to unbearable horniness within the span of a couple of trite declarations of love.

The actors aren’t much better than the material they’re given either. Helal chooses to incessantly mug for the camera, pulling some highly exaggerated, deeply unfunny facial expressions in the process, while Boshra’s sense of comedic timing is skewed, though credit to her for being the one of the rare Egyptian actresses in recent memory to appear on screen without three pairs of fake eyelashes. As a couple they’re probably the least believable part of a pretty nonsensical film, though this is less the actors’ fault and more because their relationship isn’t fleshed out in the slightest. We’ve reached our saturation point as far as Edward is concerned - seriously, he’s in everything - and this feels kind of mean since she’s still a kid and all but the less said about Janna, the better.

This film was plainly painful to sit through and after this year’s crop of dismal Eid releases, we’re really hoping that Sa3a We Nos, which finally looks like it’s nearing its release date, proves to be the good Egyptian film that we’re desperately in need of.