The Definitive Guide to Living in the Capital , Cairo , Egypt

So it seems like original stories are rather hard to come by nowadays,
which explains the rash of sequels and remakes that we’re being subjected to.
Well this whole cram-as-many-celebrities-as-you-can-into-the-film-and-forget-about-the-plot
formula can now take its place alongside the esteemed sequel and remake in the
pantheon of proof that Hollywood has now officially quit trying.

If there’s one thing this film has more than celebrities, it’s clichés. Every single plotline is a cliché, which is hardly surprising when we’re barely given enough time to get
to know the characters. In their defence, all the threads do fit together and
all characters are connected in one way or another, even if some of these
connections are highly forced. Not to mention that the storylines are juggled
pretty well and hardly ever become confusing.

Most characters are just riffs on the actors’ personas. Kutcher
is a hipster dude bro, Bon Jovi is a famous rock star, Vergara is a sexy Latina,
Heigl is frigid and career-oriented, Michele is a singing diva, Efron and Duhamel
are charming pretty-boys… sound familiar?

Despite being a walking stereotype, Vergara is the best thing about this
film. She’s also the only person who looks like they’re having any fun, which
goes a long way in putting a smile on the viewer’s face. Her Ava is a sassy Latina
chef with an epic crush on Jensen (Bon Jovi), the rock star whose party she
happens to be catering.

The game that this reviewer found herself playing in the cinema was
actually a hell of a lot more interesting than the film. Basically, it consisted
of trying to spot all the celebrities that weren’t in the trailer or on the
poster. The hospital scenes alone had three extra celebs who probably had three
minutes of screen time between them. There was Alyssa Milano as the nurse that
Hilary Swank spoke to, Carla Gugino as the doctor that delivered Jessica Biel’s
baby and Common as Halle Berry’s soldier partner.

The film is so crammed; you could blink and miss a rash of famous folk
just waltzing across the screen, rattling off their entire one line of
dialogue. This game kept this reviewer fairly occupied until Bon Jovi and Lea
Michele started singing together. It was quite distracting to watch two gifted
singers sing so badly. Is Bon Jovi trying to completely destroy what little
rock star cred he has left?

The biggest problem with the film is that they couldn’t even get New
York to seem magical! The one thing that all of the characters share is some
ungodly love for the Time’s Square ball drop, making it seem like the place to
be on new year’s eve. Now this ball drop business may be a big thing for New
Yorkers but honestly, it looks like the kind of thing that only tourists and
kids would be dazzled by.

The film’s biggest arc, which includes Hilary Swank
as the person in charge of the whole Times Square hoopla, revolves around
getting the ball drop to run smoothly and having the lights and confetti exactly
perfect and that’s anti-climatic! Personally, this reviewer would rather be at
home watching Pretty Woman, which
incidentally was directed by the same guy that made this awful film.